This time…

This is an intimate post for me because I’m about to share a journal entry with you all…journals are usually private but today I feel like I should share this one.  It’s long, so please bare with me…

Sitting here at the lake the eve before my 30th birthday and my heart and mind are so full. Full with ideas, concerns, fears, and realities. So many things have taken place in my 20s, I would have to write this whole entire book. Some good, some great, some bad, some worse. One thing I learned from my 20s, and still learning to grasp today, is that I can't stop things from happening, I can only change how I let it affect me. I've been hurt (in my opinion beyond measure) I’ve been let down, I’ve been put off, I've been uplifted, I've been given a second chance, I've been through a lot. But not once I stop moving, keep going until you can’t go anymore. Go you're dead-work at me until I quit breathing-take care Mitzi until her heart stops beating. Loving me was a challenge and it still is most days. I love everyone else but Mitzi. I don't know when it came to be like this; maybe it's my body image issues, maybe it's because I never learned to love myself, who knows. Somehow I let the most important person in my life go and how do I convince her to come back-how do I show her that this time I want it all. To love her and to show her how much she means to me. So often I left her devastated-no wonder she's lost. Learning to love all over again is a risk to take, but I will take it for her.

So looking back, my mistakes became my blessing in my goals that I've put on hold have followed me to this place. So much on my mind and so many things undone, I panic now because there's a possibility that I won't make it home alive and there's a possibility I won’t see my birthday tomorrow. All things are possible in this world, so could it be possible that I could look back at my 30s and smile because those were the best years of my life? Possibly... Could I look back at my 30s and say that I’ve earned the love of my life back and I love her fiercely? Possibly... This road I leave behind, but ahead lies the mystery-such is life. I hate mysteries I hate chance-I hate playing the odds so possibly is all I have right now. Sometimes I feel like if I put all of my desires out into the universe there is the better chance they may come back to me-that was “in my 20s Mitzi”. I could never let things evolve without my immediate help or input-that was also “in my 20s Mitzi”. So much wasted energy, how did “in my 20s Mitzi” make it through the last decade?'

 

There is one thing I won't do this decade and the ones hopefully the follow-I will not waste my energy and time on trying to control the uncontrollable or trying to figure people out. No more will I worry about who loves and accepts me-wasted energy. It seems like I’m taking the whole FUCK YOU approach, but I feel I spent too much of my time wasting my energy on the wrong shit. If there is an alternate world where I'm turning 20 tomorrow instead of 30, I would tell me to just breathe and that is easier to carry on when you don't have so much baggage to carry. Smile and love, but love yourself first. Accepted your decisions and stand by them, don't back down for anyone. And most of all... Enjoy your 20s because they go by fast.

So that's it in a nutshell my last day in my 20s.