Monday, March 29, 2010

Okay - time to face the music

It's time to face up to my mistakes, plan and move on.  I was no angel my first "official" week of this birthday challenge.  Usually, I just wipe out the prior week and start over again without acknowledging what I've done.  Not this time, I'm stopping the cycle of denial.  I did wrong; from Zaxby's to Burger King to those Dayum Kebler Elves!  I did it, no one to blame but me.  But, today is the beginning of a new week and I've decided to make some sort of a plan to get those extra pounds off.  So here it goes...
1) Water, water, water - no less than 64 oz each day
2) Oatmeal for breakfast every morning - keeps me full until my early afternoon snack
3) Lean Cuisines for lunch and dinner - I'm very busy this week.  LadyBug's Spring Break, CEO's birthday, exams X2, and searching for a new shell.  With all that said, I don't have time to do much cooking.
4) Cardio on Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday
5) Eating out is at the bare minimum - taking CEO and Ladybug out for a birthday dinner and that should be it.
6) NO BINGING!!!! I don't care how bored I become.  Absolutely NOT!!
Will post my progress each day with a caloric breakdown from Calorie king.

Results of Week 1…Not good at all!!!

Starting Weight: 208.4 lbs

Current Weight: 210.80

Total Loss/Gain: 2.4 gain

I’ll post my failures, successes and game plan for this week tonight.

------>goes to hang my head in shame…

Sunday, March 28, 2010

You know what I forgot!

I forgot to post my Starting weight!  No, I didn’t forget I just didn’t want to post it.  I’m ashamed of myself.  Because at 208.5 lbs I am obese!!!  Obese I tell you!!!  The end…

How do I?

That's a question that I've been asking myself for a while now.  How do I reverse all the bad things that I have done to myself?  How do I deal with the fact right now I can only move but so fast to reach my goals?  How do I make myself feel beautiful and worthy of good things?  How do I handle frustrations?  How do I vanish my doubts?  and a biggie question for me; How do I get over the anxiety of failing?

For the past month or so, I've had so much anxiety building up that I want to close myself off from my dreams so I don't have to face the fact that I might fail.  Why is it so much easier giving up than sticking it out and giving it the biggest fight that I have inside of me?  At the very moment I feel defeated, I run and try to cover my face so it can't see my fear!  When will I learn how to fight?!?!?  I'm not without support systems, but I just don't know how to ask for the support I need.  Some days I find myself crying because my heart is so full; but I'm not quite sure if this is me or the new hormones that taking over my body (long story).  I just want to do what's right, but I find it easier to please others and do the right thing for them instead of me.  I'm moving at a turtle's pace and I truly hate it.  But, then I think back to the story to realize the turtle finished the race.  No matter how slow, or hard, or tiring, or boring, he finished the race and won it!!  It seems that because I'm so uncomfortable in this spot, it's reflecting on how I deal with my life and insecurities.  I mean, let's face it; we all have insecurities, but man, can I just have a front until I can sort some of them out?

I'm in the process of cleaning my apartment for a move.  I'm tired of living there, maintenance sucks and it doesn't feel like home anymore.  I am also cleaning my emotional and physcial house!  I'm not happy in the state that I'm in right now and it's time to move.  I'm the only person that can do it, and I know it's going to be a lonely road.  Am I ready?  How hard will it be?  At times, I want to be sheltered by him so I don't have to go it alone.  I ask him questions to reassure myself that I am okay.  I drill him about my position in his life so I can feel more confident.  I hope that he doesn't see my flaws, but I know he does.  I find it hard to believe that it doesn't bother him, but I hope that he can see the future and not who I was or who I am.  It's who I'm becoming that counts.  I hope that she will be proud of me for my accomplishments.  I hope that she will look up to me and try her best to be better than me.  I hope she knows how much I want to set my bar high for her, so she can acheive great things, because I dream to look up and see her bar above me.  I hope that one day she will read this and know who I was and who I have become.

And...him, if you are reading this - I miss your comments so much!

Keeping an agenda

This is a new week with old goals and new inspiration.  My birthday is ten weeks away. That gives me an abundant amount of time to lose 10 lbs (a pound a week).  That gives me ten weeks to stick to something so that I can make some headway with my list.  On my last post I didn’t elaborate on my plans, just the skeleton.  I ventured to Target today and bought two biggest loser DVDs, on sale for $9.00 – Happy dance. 

march21 001march21 002I like these for many reasons: they feature the biggest loser cast (I loathe skinny people who try to encourage me to work out), you can start off with level one and then increase levels as you build endurance, and the first level plus the warm up is only 25 minutes (good for me since I’m severely pressed for time) and it looks fun.  I plan to do these in the morning before work since I’m not good at working out after work. 

On to the other goals, STUDY, STUDY, STUDY!!!  That will be my life for the next few weeks.  I will be at my desk in the afternoons working on my craft.  If accounting is going to be my life then I’m must put the effort into it.  No more putting it on the back burner.  I can only take this one day at a time!  No other way for me to put it .

On a lighter note, I had a date last night.  A wonderful movie and dinner date; and I’m so happy!!!  Sad that tomorrow is Monday, but since I’m starting to get my focus on…BRING IT ON!!!!!    

Beginning of the…beginning, I guess…

I am declaring that by my birthday, May 25, I will be down 10 lbs!!!!

Starting weight: 205.8

Plan: 30 day shred 3 days a week, cardio 3 days a week

Take pictures and post what I eat (the budding food blogger)

and the….

mach20 010Checking out!!!

New New…and some self discovery

Well, it’s been a few days since the last post.  So far, I enjoy blogging about things other than my weight loss journey (although that is an integral part of why I’m doing this).  It’s a long and hard process, I’m sick of it right now and I haven’t even started all the way.  What is my problem?  I’m just at a point now where my patience is running thin; who am I kidding it’s always been then.  Where in the hell is my patience…good time to write a letter begging for my patience to come back.

Dear Patience,

Where are, where have you been?  I hope all is well, but right now I really need you.  I need you to be there for me and help me through my trials and what not.  This is impossible without you, but I know that I have to make an effort to get you here.  Okay, I’m going to lay everything out on the line; I’m failing at this and I can’t possibly see myself doing it; unless you are here with me.  I’ve taken you for granted so many times and now I’m all in.  I’m all in, Patience.  The only other component I need is you.



Okay, there it is – let’s see if this brings her back. 

Oh, and let’s not forget about the NEW NEW…presenting the NEW Toot!!!

March19 027March19 012On to the weekend!!!     

Traditional Build…

Monday…ughhh!  But at least I’m alive to enjoy this beautifully hectic Monday.  I am again horrified by the thought of having to complete my XBRL project and still learning how to be a night owl and early bird at the same time.  This is going to be very hard for me since I’m not a late person or an early person, sucksville!!  Anyway, I had the most improtu menu today; no planning at all.  McDonalds for breakfast; sausage egg and cheese McMuffin (this is going on my “must have once a month” list).  Sad to say, these are the best breakfast sandwiches EVER – totally rocks my face off.  At one time I attempted to make my own, no comparison.  Then for lunch, an egg salad sandwich BEAST from the Village Gourmet with feta orzo pasta salad on the side.  I also got something else from there, but that will  be mentioned later.

march15 065

march15 064 Don’t let the beige-ness fool you, this junk was DA BUSINESS!!!!!  Anyway…on to the next one.  I also bought and non-pictured lemon bar (not the best, but pretty darn good).  So, I knew Gangstaboo liked these as well and I offered her HALF – notice I said HALF.  She agreed and whipped out the little plastic knife.  Gangstaboo proceeded to to cut half of a half; WTF?  We were supposed to share, 50/50!!!  We split the calories and enjoy every bit of it.  She spoiled my plans for us to indulge in some bad stuff – but I see you Gangstaboo, I SEE YOU!!!

So, I’m watching The No. 1 Ladies’ Detective Agency with Jill Scott; lovely BBW (Big Beautiful Woman) and someone made a comment about her weight.  Prior note, this series is set in Africa.  Her response, I love, “I am a traditional woman, the preference of most men”.  Go on girl!!!  Now, I’m a traditional woman but my health issues are nothing but traditional.  I would love to be that confident in my size and current health status, but right now I’m not.  That's why I have to make some moves, shake some things up and get it cracking up in here before it’s too late. 

- I wonder what Toot can get into tomorrow????  Hmmmm, something to think about. 

One day at a time…

Remember the before I turn 30 list (aka Bucket List) i was telling you all about?  I shall now reveal the bane of my existence; seems like I will never be able to cross anything off.

  1. Lose weight so that I’m within my healthy BMI range
  2. Earn Masters of accounting degree and pass the CPA exam
  3. Pay off old debt (including medical debt, excluding student loan)
  4. Start a substantial emergency savings and nest egg (started nest egg with 401K)
  5. Get a position in an accounting firm (auditing and assurance agent)

As I look at the list, it’s not long but very intimidating because everything on it has so many components that takes a great deal of time to complete.  For all who may not know me, I’m not a patient person.  It’s not easy to keep telling myself “one day at a time” because I get bored and distracted easily.  I have the attention span of a lima bean and it sucks!  I’ve been doing Calorie King religiously for almost 2 weeks now and I’m already feeling that I should have lost 20 lbs by now.  I’ve completed 2 months of my payment schedule for my bills and I believe I should be debt-free with a perfect credit score by now.  See, I’m a quick results kind of person.  Sometimes quick results are not what we need because we need to feel the process to be appreciative of the results that lie ahead.  If I go through the fire to achieve my goals, I won’t take them for granting and then relapse into the same dangerous pattern that got me at that place before.  I always tell myself; you never get what you want (not entirely anyway) but always seem to get what you need. 

Major ramblings…

Today was mucho interesting – not in the sense of an interesting event, just interesting that I got my butt up and went to circuit.  Our company has an excellent wellness center that offers classes throughout the day.  Since I’m in school during the day, I can’t take classes because I spend most of my time making up the time that I’ve been away.  This week, however, I’m on Spring Break!!!  That’s not a big deal for working adult students, because we still have to go to work and go on with our daily schedule.  So I went to the gym :)  glad to say that I did cause I really wanted to stay in my chair, wrapped up in my blanket (since it’s such a gloomy day). 

I start my days the exact same way, every time, no deviation.  A cup of Joe (preferably a Latte 1/2 skim and 1/2 coffee to keep me satisfied).  And I enjoy it in my Pluto mug!!!

march10 039Then, I proceed with my morning particulars: ironing clothes, packing lunch/making breakfast, shower, dress and leave.  Lately this ritual has had me behind schedule, chronically behind schedule.  I miss out on awesome parking spaces and I’m most always there past 4 and 5 (hated it!!!  Ya’ll remember Men on Films???)  So, I’m going to take a stab at getting a lot of this stuff done at night to see how I can function in the AM.  Oh, and guess what I’m currently in love with, so glad I found, never want to see leave…

march10 044 Baby Sweet Peppers!!!!!

These bad boys are so sweet and crunchy, I can’t resist them.  And as an added bonus, they are very healthy.  I picked them up because they were cute (yeah, I’m a shallow bitch, and what) but I fell in love because I got to know them on a deeper level.  We are so a match made in heaven.

Figuring things out and running with a cold

I’m still trying to find the balance in my life, but I think things are starting to come together.  My old blog was a constant reminder of my start and stop pattern.  So, I started a new one that I will be able to keep up with more easily, thanks to Windows Live.  Love this shizzzz!!  I can work on my blog like I’m making a word document and it’s so easy.  Needless to say I want to marry love my computer.  So, what is this blog going to be about?  Let’s just say it’s about a lot of things, my life is all over the place so why not document it all. 

I’m a mother, a student, a daughter, a friend, a lover – a whole lot of things!  Why not share it all?  -----> to the blog post!

I have a cold; it’s been coming down on me for about a week now and finally caught up with my behind.  See, I’m on this mission to lose weight (on my Before I Turn 30 list – coming soon to a blog near you).  I’m always TRYING to eat healthy, but I won’t exercise to save my life.  Enter Gangstaboo ---> She’s my home girl from work, exercises like tomorrow won’t come and is doing very well I might add.  So today, we decided to go running outside (such a beautiful day).  But hey, I have a cold and my inhaler is at home in my gym bag…pretty freaking smart Mitzi.  But what did I do?  I was a trooper and ran 45 minutes with burning lungs, a stuffy nose, throbbing head!  All I can say is….


Welcome to Toot’s world!!

Right now, I’m playing with my new computer and about to leave so I can catch a run with Gangstaboo.  I’ll be back…