How do I?

That's a question that I've been asking myself for a while now.  How do I reverse all the bad things that I have done to myself?  How do I deal with the fact right now I can only move but so fast to reach my goals?  How do I make myself feel beautiful and worthy of good things?  How do I handle frustrations?  How do I vanish my doubts?  and a biggie question for me; How do I get over the anxiety of failing?

For the past month or so, I've had so much anxiety building up that I want to close myself off from my dreams so I don't have to face the fact that I might fail.  Why is it so much easier giving up than sticking it out and giving it the biggest fight that I have inside of me?  At the very moment I feel defeated, I run and try to cover my face so it can't see my fear!  When will I learn how to fight?!?!?  I'm not without support systems, but I just don't know how to ask for the support I need.  Some days I find myself crying because my heart is so full; but I'm not quite sure if this is me or the new hormones that taking over my body (long story).  I just want to do what's right, but I find it easier to please others and do the right thing for them instead of me.  I'm moving at a turtle's pace and I truly hate it.  But, then I think back to the story to realize the turtle finished the race.  No matter how slow, or hard, or tiring, or boring, he finished the race and won it!!  It seems that because I'm so uncomfortable in this spot, it's reflecting on how I deal with my life and insecurities.  I mean, let's face it; we all have insecurities, but man, can I just have a front until I can sort some of them out?

I'm in the process of cleaning my apartment for a move.  I'm tired of living there, maintenance sucks and it doesn't feel like home anymore.  I am also cleaning my emotional and physcial house!  I'm not happy in the state that I'm in right now and it's time to move.  I'm the only person that can do it, and I know it's going to be a lonely road.  Am I ready?  How hard will it be?  At times, I want to be sheltered by him so I don't have to go it alone.  I ask him questions to reassure myself that I am okay.  I drill him about my position in his life so I can feel more confident.  I hope that he doesn't see my flaws, but I know he does.  I find it hard to believe that it doesn't bother him, but I hope that he can see the future and not who I was or who I am.  It's who I'm becoming that counts.  I hope that she will be proud of me for my accomplishments.  I hope that she will look up to me and try her best to be better than me.  I hope she knows how much I want to set my bar high for her, so she can acheive great things, because I dream to look up and see her bar above me.  I hope that one day she will read this and know who I was and who I have become.

And...him, if you are reading this - I miss your comments so much!